INTJs and You: A Guide To Understanding The INTJ In Your Life
By Rob Lowrance
Note: To any INTJs reading this. If these things don’t describe you, take it as a challenge to write your own guide to give to the important people in your life.
Why would you care about what INTJs are like? Well, you are currently involved with one. And since you haven’t run screaming into the hills, perhaps you would like to know what to expect from your INTJ and how the two of you can make it work out.
What do those pesky letters mean?
If you are not familiar with the personality types, you may be wondering what INTJ actually means. The letters themselves mean Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging. However, this doesn’t really explain what it means.
Effectively, personality type can be determined by answering four questions. (This is not to be confused with a personality test, which may use many questions to answer these four.) The four questions are:
1. How do you tend to obtain your energy?
2. How do you prefer to perceive information?
3. How do you prefer to make decisions?
4. How do you tend to organize your world?
The first question determines whether you are an Introvert (I) or an Extravert (E). Introverts tend to recharge by turning inward and not interacting with others. Conversely, Extraverts tend to recharge by turning outward and interacting with others.
The second question determines whether you are Intuitive (N) or Sensing (S). Sensors prefer to perceive information primarily through their senses. i.e. They perceive the here and now. Conversely, Intuitives prefer to perceive things abstractly or how they could be. i.e. They perceive what can be or what will be.
The third question determines whether you are Thinking (T) or Feeling (F). The Thinker tends to be more objective in decisions. i.e. Thinkers are analytical and tend to not allow emotions to affect decisions. The Feeler is more subjective in decisions. i.e. Feelers tend to be sensitive to how decisions will affect self and others.
The fourth question determines whether you are Judging (J) or Perceiving (P). The Judger tends to have a plan. The Perceiver tends to be more spontaneous.
Just because someone is categorized a particular way does not mean that they cannot work outside of this category. So, an Introvert can enjoy being around people. It is just that in general, an Introvert will not be energized by situations and will probably need some time alone. Likewise, an Extravert is generally recharged by being around people, but that Extravert also has moments when he or she needs to be alone.
How the letters interact.
Hold onto your seat, because things are about to get more interesting. J
The first and last letters of a personality type determine how the middle two are expressed. However, not just the two letters given by the type are expressed. More on this in a moment.
The first letter (I or E) determines whether you Introvert or Extravert your dominant function. (The dominant function is the one you use the most naturally.) The fourth letter (J or P) determines which of the middle two letters you show to the world. The second letter corresponds to Perceiving (P) and the third letter corresponds to Judging (J). So a J will Extravert his or her Judging function (T or F), while a P will Extravert his or her Perceiving function (N or S).
So, now we discover that the Perceiving and Judging functions can also be Extraverted or Introverted. So, there are two types of Intuition, Extraverted Intuition (Ne) and Introverted Intuition (Ni). This is also true of Sensing, Thinking, and Feeling. And each of these functions is expressed differently depending upon whether it is Introverted or Extraverted. While Ni and Ne are related, they are not the same. For instance, Ni tends to focus intuition on one area (or a few) very deeply, while Ne would tend to touch on many areas without as much depth.
Putting it together for the INTJ.
Effectively, the INTJ perceives the world through Introverted Intuition (Ni). That is, the INTJ has a model of the world in his or her head. New facts about the world are compared to this model and constantly being added to it. If something doesn’t fit the model and is verified to be correct, then the model itself is modified. This in part explains why INTJs need time alone. We need time to process new material and to explore new connections between things.
For this INTJ, at least, the intuitive process can be quite rapid, but takes place in symbols that cannot be easily expressed in words. (An INTJ friend of mine says that her brain processes almost everything in words.) This introduces Extroverted Thinking (Te). Te seeks to logically explain what Ni symbolically (and instinctively) grasps. What can take seconds for Ni to perceive may take hours or days (or longer) for Te to translate. What Te translates is then taken by Ni to make sure that it fits the internal symbolic vision. Ni and Te thus can cycle back and forth until the Ni vision has been truly translated by Te into words that others can understand.
Ni is the dominant function and Te is the auxiliary. There are two more functions, however, that we must now address: Introverted Feeling and Extraverted Sensing. Introverted Feeling (Fi) is the Tertiary function for INTJs. Fi can be very underdeveloped in INTJs, especially when they are young. Even when they are older, INTJs will tend to be reserved. (Exceptions do exist, of course.) Fi is tightly focused on things (such as relationships, beliefs, and values) that are important to the INTJ. Thus, the INTJ may become animated when talking about a certain topic or when around a particular person. Finally, the Inferior function of Extraverted Sensing (Se). While Se is last, it is often developed earlier than Fi, because of its usefulness in pulling information from the world for Ni to work on.
We will address more of these things later. For now, just remember that INTJ translates into Ni-Te-Fi-Se.
Some initial problem areas.
INTJs do not tend to be terribly expressive emotionally. This can cause us to come off as cold. INTJs generally feel as strongly (or even more so) than others. We have trouble expressing emotions sometimes and tend to not want to share emotions with any but those closest to us. And even with close friends and family we may struggle. If you are wondering how the INTJ in your life is doing, ask.
Facial expression does not equate to mood with INTJs most of the time. We tend to show the world one face nearly all the time. If I am very happy, I will have a small smile on my face. You have to be observant to see it. (I’m not talking about my camera smile, which is just pasted on.) If you can see negative emotions on my face, it is because I am feeling them very strongly. In general, my face will not tell you much of what is going on inside. Although, if you stick around long enough, you may learn how to read other signs.
In general, INTJs do not seek physical contact except with those who are closest to them. If your INTJ initiates a hug, then he or she cares about you a lot. Physical space is quite important to an INTJ, so if he or she allows you into personal space, consistently, he or she really likes you. If your INTJ gets touchy/feely with you, it is almost a given that you are the only person he or she is doing this with. Not only do INTJs not do touchy/feely, they are incredibly loyal. So, if they do get touchy/feely with you, they really are yours.
INTJs need a lot of down time. Just because your INTJ doesn’t want to be with you all the time does not mean that he or she no longer likes you. If you are wondering, ask. INTJs can only withstand so much socializing. It is very wearing for us. If your INTJ is willing to go to a party with you, it means that he or she really likes you. Don’t be offended if he or she needs to leave early or refuses to go. The problem is not with you but with your INTJ. What is energizing and fun to you may quickly become painful to the INTJ. Again, if he or she does go with you, it means that you mean a lot to them. But since INTJs are so independent themselves, it will probably be ok with them if you go without them. So, go and have fun, and then come back and spend time with your INTJ.
INTJs can be tactless. This has to do with Fi being the Tertiary function and often underdeveloped. An INTJ may ask something or say something without considering how it may affect others. This decreases as the Fi develops, but can remain an issue. If you ask an INTJ a question, you will get their honest opinion. If you want flattery, you should ask someone else. If we do say something that you like, it isn’t flattery. It is what we really think. INTJs tend to not lie.
Do not lie to your INTJ. First of all, most INTJs can see a lie a mile away. But if you are one of those people who can pull off a lie well, don’t. If your INTJ discovers the lie, you will never be trusted again. And we do tend to find out. Personally, my Ni coupled with Te and Se, is very good at discovering things that people are trying to hide. We remember what you do and what you say. It’s better to just be honest with us in the first place.
INTJs can come across as arrogant. However, at least generally, it isn’t arrogance but extreme confidence. What an INTJ knows, he or she knows very well. Perhaps even better, we know what we don’t know. If your normally quiet INTJ chimes in, especially if it’s with a great deal of animation, know that this is probably a topic that he or she has thought about a great deal.
INTJs have a difficult time with small talk. However much we may wish this were not the case, it is the way things are. The same thing with flirting. An INTJ will probably not get it. Instead of small talk, talk about something deep. Instead of indirect communication like flirting, try direct statements. Your INTJ will appreciate both. Personally, I’m not sure why I can pick up on things people are trying to hide, but just can’t seem to see the things they are trying to reveal.
When your INTJ is quiet, he or she may be thinking. If he or she is staring off into space, it’s not because he or she is angry with you. Rather, he or she is deep in thought. It can be quite difficult to switch from that internal realm to outside reality. It is also possible that your INTJ really can’t hear you right now. So don’t expect an immediate response. If your INTJ is angry or upset with you, he or she will most likely tell you. Remember, honesty is very important to us. But, if you aren’t sure, you should ask. Preferably sometime when we aren’t deep in thought. J
INTJs can get stuck in an intuitive loop at times. First, what is an intuitive loop? It’s like the infinite loop a computer can get into, where it just keeps doing the same thing over and over and can’t get past something. For the INTJ, this can be caused by a problem that the INTJ knows (or thinks) should be solvable, but where the answer won’t come. This can be Ni just working on the problem itself, or perhaps Ni and Te cycling with each other, trying to find a solution. This can be quite distressing. As an analogy, envision a snake eating its own tail. It is not useful. It is eventually painful. And if it progresses long enough it is destructive. Your INTJ may need you to help break him or her out of such loops from time to time. This is perhaps best done by helping them switch from the internal realm to external reality, at least temporarily. If this is a purely Ni loop, your INTJ may not be able to even explain in words what is wrong. But your support will always be welcome.
INTJs are quite intuitive and can often determine what is coming next. This can lead to abrupt interruptions, when the INTJ decides to answer before you can finish your question or statement. If this bothers you, be upfront with your INTJ about it. If they care for you, they will try, not always successfully, to let you finish before they answer.
INTJs can be very sarcastic. If you can’t handle sarcasm, don’t start a sarcastic exchange with them. If their sarcasm hurts you, be honest with them about it. If they like you, they will try to be careful.
INTJs can be quite hard to read. If you are wondering about something, ask them. If you are wondering if they like you, a variety of things already mentioned are indicators. Here is another, if your INTJ is doing a lot of things for you, he or she likes you.
INTJs always do things for a reason. They are not just thinking about now, but about the future … about multiple futures. Their decisions are tempered by intense consideration of possible consequences. If you don’t understand why we make the decisions we do, it may be because you can’t see what is coming and we can. If you are wondering, ask. But give sufficient time to actually get the answer. And if your INTJ says that it’s too complicated to explain, it may just be that the explanation would take days.
INTJs plan everything. This can lead to issues if you are always insisting on being spontaneous. Ideally, you will rub off on your INTJ and vice versa. You will begin planning more and he or she will become less rigid. Be aware, I am not joking about having a plan for everything. The plan may never be written down, but it is there. Whether it is a plan for the day, or the next month, or even the next decade, it exists to varying degrees. Give you INTJ as much time as possible to contemplate changes to schedule. Again, as your relationship proceeds, he or she will (hopefully) become less rigid. But it will not take place overnight. INTJs do a lot better with an established plan rather than a constantly changing future. (See above.) If the present does not line up with an INTJ’s projections, then those projections will have to be constantly updated and reevaluated. This process is time consuming and if the changes are happening too quickly or too often it can be exhausting. This doesn’t mean you have to give up being spontaneous. Just realize what could be happening to your INTJ’s brain.
INTJs have a lot of layers. If your INTJ is letting you in, please realize that you are one of the only, if not the only, person on earth that is getting to see these depths. If they are letting you in that far, they truly like you and they are truly yours. It will take time, because they have probably never revealed these layers to anyone else and may never have expressed some of these things in words. But because they do have a lot of layers, it can be quite difficult to actually get to know an INTJ. Don’t give up! Your INTJ will appreciate it and you might be surprised by what you find.
INTJs often take criticism well. We can look at ideas, even such things as worldview, critically and without getting our emotions involved. Depending on what the criticism is, though, you should make sure that you are right. If an INTJ says something, it is generally something they have thought about from all the different angles they could find. You may have new information, which would definitely be accepted thankfully. But you may bring up something that has already been considered and rejected. In which case, you need to be prepared to have your ideas analyzed in a logical manner. If you can’t take that, perhaps you shouldn’t bring it up. Or perhaps you should remind your INTJ to be gentle. J
INTJs tend to be harder on themselves than others. Our standards tend to be so high that we can often not attain them. So, even extraordinarily good work can depress us, because it didn’t reach the even higher standard that we had set. If your INTJ is depressed because of something like this, gently, but firmly, remind him or her that it is ok to lower the standard to something that can actually be achieved. J
Some more about Introverted Intuition and INTJs.
Ni helps to create a very complex internal model of the world. This model incorporates much (or maybe even all) of the knowledge the INTJ possesses. This model is intuitive in nature and so has connections between things that some people may not see as similar. This is also probably the source of the INTJs love of analogy.
Ni (at least for the INTJ) is also forward looking. Ni can see the future as a branching tree of possibilities. With enough information, Ni can even determine which potential future is the most likely. From finishing your sentences, to seeing how a movie’s plot will unfold, to seeing that a relationship is about to fail, the INTJ is rarely surprised. Because surprise is so rare for us, it is hard to determine how we will take it. So, if you do happen to surprise your INTJ, it is hard to say how he or she will take it. Hopefully a more mature INTJ will take it in with delight.
Remember above how I said that INTJs have plans for everything? That is Ni at work (along with Te), navigating to a foreseen future which accomplishes multiple goals at once. This is part of why INTJs don’t like surprise. First, a surprise was not predicted. But second, a surprise will often interfere with plans, that while not stated, the INTJ has made internally. With maturity, this will hopefully be less of an issue. But it is wise to give your INTJ as much advance notice as possible when something may change his or her plans. Since these plans are often unstated, it may be a good idea to talk with your INTJ about them and get him or her to elucidate them for you.
Ni uses a lot of symbols. Thus, your INTJ may do a great many things that are symbolic. Or perhaps this is just a quirk of mine.
Ni is attracted to the mysterious. Thus, INTJs often love puzzles of various kinds. He or she may see you as a puzzle. Please don’t be offended.
Ni can offer very quick solutions to problems. While your INTJ may have an answer to your question almost immediately, he or she may not be able to express it in words for quite some time afterwards. Be patient. Hopefully you will find it worth the wait. On the other hand, if the answer is one that your INTJ has thought about a lot, he or she may be able to give you an understandable answer immediately.
Some more about Extraverted Thinking and INTJs.
Te is the logical face that the INTJ shows the world and is probably the reason that I felt such an affinity to the half-Vulcan, Spock, while growing up. It is the faculty that the INTJ uses to interpret the answers from the irrational symbols of Ni into rational language. Te also puts a check upon Ni, helping to constrain intuitive answers to reality. Hence, a loop may form between Ni and Te, with each informing the other until a logical product exists which can be shared with others.
Answers given by INTJs tend to be impersonal and non-emotional. These objective decisions can come across as quite harsh at times. As Fi develops, this can be alleviated to an extent.
Te (combined with Ni) is generally quite good at creating and implementing plans which can be quite comprehensive in scope and aimed at progressing towards multiple goals at once. INTJs tend to excel at planning and contingency planning because of their Ni and Te working together. Te can make INTJs quite decisive when they see a clear path to an objective, or better yet, objectives.
Te (combined with Ni) is quite good at argumentation. INTJs tend to be quite good at destroying (probably without malice) ill-conceived ideas. We can intuitively see the holes in a bad argument (using Ni) and then marshal logic (Te) against it.
Some more about Introverted Feeling and INTJs.
Fi feels. It is subjective and compassionate. Where Te is objective and analytical, Fi takes people (or things) into account. As Fi develops, the INTJ can become more considerate of the way decisions and the way things are said may affect others. The more mature INTJ may thus be more likely to be tactful in speech and action.
You may be able to help your INTJ develop their Fi by reminding them to not just look at things objectively and analytically but to also take subjective elements into account. You will probably appreciate them learning to use and develop their Fi in your relationship.
Fi is less critical than Te. Where Te will not only judge things, but also the standards against which they are judged, Fi will tend to only judge if things match up with already held standards. The INTJ, functioning primarily with Ni-Te can be quite antinomian, because the rules themselves are also scrutinized and sometimes (or often) rejected.
Some more about Extraverted Sensing and INTJs.
Se is focused upon the present and action, unlike Ni. The primary function of Se for the INTJ is to pull information from the world for Ni-Te to work on. While using Se, the INTJ can be quite aware of what is going on. When not using Se, the INTJ can be lost in his or her internal world.
I have had instances where I have been so lost in thought, that I couldn’t see or hear people who were talking to me. When talking to your INTJ, make sure that he or she is really ‘present’ and not lost in his or her internal world.
On the lighter side:
You might be an INTJ if …
1. your mother ever made you come watch TV with the family.
2. you realize a year later that a girl (or boy) had been flirting with you.
3. you won’t allow your daughter/sister/female friend to date anyone whom you have not thoroughly vetted.
4. you answer Yes/No questions with, ‘It depends …’
5. your eyebrows are the most expressive part of your face.
Wonderful post!! I have preferences for INFJ and I absolutely love INTJs for who they are and the value they bring. I do think it's rare for others to see this, for similar reasons that you touched upon in your article. If I had to name a type who contributed to my personal development in any significant way, it would be INTJs - they push, challenge (which I love), and call me on my bs in a way that no one else has ever been able to. I have learned to not only appreciate this, but to value it, and seek it out. My personal developed is attributed to a variety of things (and the INTJs are just a piece of that pie) but, I actually enjoy being critiqued now, I’m a lot less sensitive, and no longer take things as personally – and these developments have done wonders, all the while, I’ve remained true to who I am: I’m compassionate, I engage folks and connect easily with people… but whereas I used to so easily get caught up in emotions, I can now, almost immediately afterwards, turn on that logical side and look at the same situation through a different lens. It’s not as easy for me to act on this logic, but I can… and I do.ReplyDelete
I’m friends with (although he likely wouldn't use the term 'friends'!, haha) with an INTJ colleague. We know a lot about the one another's personal lives. I appreciate his no sugar-coating, analytical, and logical approach to decision making or to coming to conclusions about whatever it is we are taking about - often times, this is my dating life;) We also debate a lot about anything and everything. Anyhow, this INTJ colleague came up with a list of criteria my potential dates should meet in order for me to even consider dating them. His way of understanding me, who I am, what I need – and how he translated that into this list of criteria, I think is brilliant. At first, I scoffed at it, but once I opened my mind and allowed him the time to explain why he chose the criteria, each and every piece had a purpose, a reason, and they all related to a bigger picture, and each condition connected back to an in-depth knowledge of who I am. It was quite amazing. So, yes, take the time to get to know INTJs, be patient and open-minded, understand they are almost always pure logic, and try not to take stuff personally, because they are truly uniquely beautiful people Oh, and they value logic, reason and intelligence, so if you want to engage with an INTJ, have something intellectually stimulating to talk about… and be prepared to be challenged!
Danielle, Thank you for your comment.Delete
This is one of the better INTJ articles. It was helpful. I'm an enfp and super appreciate it. :) Thank you.ReplyDelete
Loan, You are most definitely welcome.Delete
That's awesome. I really, really thank you for this post, because I recently discovered I am an INTJ, and as reading this article I feel relieved : I'm not the only one to have these horrible "loops" ! And that's pretty normal if I don't like to go out or to chat about little things (it pisses me off and I'm bad at that, however much I try to) ...ReplyDelete
So I'm really happy that you made this article, and keep going on writing such good articles ;)
Yes. INTJs are relatively rare, so it can be hard to find other people who share our experiences. I am still learning about myself, even though I have been aware of this for nearly fifteen years.Delete
I first wrote this to help people close to me understand what is going on. In the midst of that, I decided that others may find it helpful. I am glad that you have found it so.
Many thanks for the information. I happen to have discovered that I am an INTJ. It is nice to be able to understand about some of my actions, though I am rather young...ReplyDelete
You are most welcome. Remember, that not everything in the description may apply to you, as each of us is a bit different.Delete
I absolutely loved this post !!ReplyDelete
I have two very special INTJs in my life and this post made me love them even more
I wish you could explain ENFPs as perfect and rational as this... hehehe
still struggling to understand myself... uffi
Thank you !!
Thank you. I wish that I could create an explanation of ENFPs for you. I am learning, but I don't have the internal perspective with ENFPs that I have with INTJs. I would like to marry an ENFP someday, so greater understanding would be beneficial.
I just want to thank you for these articles, as I'm pretty certain my dad is an INTJ. I am an ENFP, and sometimes I have wondered why at times my dad does not want to go to social gatherings and does not like surprise gifts for birthdays! It also helped me to realise that my father does actually love and care for me, even though it may be different to the way an ENFP would expect.ReplyDelete
I've noticed that in my friendships and dating experiences in the past, I normally seem to attract (or be attracted to) INFJ and INTJ men. I want to understand them better, as sometimes I have found it challenging to come to grips with their "rational" view of the world! I can be quite emotional and sensitive, so I will have a lot more empathy for them in future.
Good on you for being self-aware and reflecting on your strengths and weaknesses. Learning about my personality type - as well as those of my family, friends and work colleagues - has been truly invaluable!
Thank you for your comment.
In part, it was my belief that INTJs can be hard to get to know in the first place that I wrote this guide. Eventually, I hope that it will be useful for me by helping a woman get to know me. But, in the midst of writing it, I thought that it might be useful to others as well.
I do hope that this will continue to be useful to you and to others.
I will really appreciate if you can shed light into my situation.ReplyDelete
I am an INFJ. I met an INTJ in 2011. We had a few dates that were enjoyable (mutual, I could sense it), but he stopped following up. We continued to bump into each other but he was seeing someone.
2013 we never crossed path.
2014 we disconnected and are both single. I asked him out first, followed by a few more dates. The last one we finally evaded personal space but not sex. He took the initiative. However it has been more thana month I havent heard from him, even after 2 texts.
Is he interested in me? Should i ask him directly? Should i just let it go?
If you are still interested, you need to ask him directly. But if you do, you need to be prepared for whatever his answer is.Delete
If his answer is that he is not interested, you should definitely let it go, as he is unlikely to change his mind. This way, you could at least have some closure.
If he is interested, you will have to use your own best judgment.
I do hope this helps. It is a bit hard to give advice when I don't know either of you.
Rob, thank you for the reply. :-)Delete
I took the direct approach in writing him a letter putting my feelings (not romantically) for him down matter of factly and with no judgment or accusation. Basically I said that the ball is in his court. If I don't hear from him, I wish him good luck.
He actually replied and apologized for being MIA (shocker). He said he had done this numerous times before and not proud of it. He said he's not ready to get involved right now (still processing from his last relationship) therefore it's not fair to me.
He concluded by saying when he's ready to come back to the world, perhaps we can hang out again (prob. more a soft landing for my benefit than anything concrete, if my intuition about our connection was wrong).
I'll leave it the way it is. No one can force a horse to drink. If it's meant to be, it is.
33, I'm glad you contacted him. At least you know what is going on now.Delete
And maybe he will get things sorted out and reconnect with you. And if not, it's his loss.
Apparently my letter last May wasn't a "clear" signal. He didn't contact me again after he replied to my letter.
Finally, I texted him last Nov.. He replied right away. I then wrote him another email, this time to the point and in bullet form, to tell him why we should date. He said yes immediately.
We did have a couple of Fe/Te conflicts after. After we met face to face, 7 months since we last saw each other, things fell into place nicely.
We are both happy right now even though we are dating LD (he didn't tell me he had moved to another city for work since July). Thank you Rob for your help last year!
I'm glad things are going well. Long-distance is an issue, but it can work.
I may be wrong, but it seems to me that the act of writing a description of how to understand the INTJ is a perfect example of how an INTJ would expresses love for those about whom he cares. Taking the time to write out this (mostly) objective analysis was a very kind, ironically selfless and beautiful thing for you to do. It is also a perfect illustration of why those who would accuse your type of arrogance are so completely off base. You invested significant time to write out a objective, factually correct analysis on a topic about which you are intimately familiar for the benefit of those you love. I hope your "INTJ tutorial" was appreciated by its intended audience. It was at least appreciated by me. Thank you for posting it to your blog so that the rest of us can better understand the perspective and inner world of the INTJ.
I have been a curious student of the INTJ personality since an INTJ set his sights on me (ENFP) about eight weeks ago. At first I thought he was just hubristic, with of his definitive predictions and ridiculous confidence. I absolutely thought he was crazy, in a genius sort of way, but I had no clue why someone like him would be so convinced that I was the only person on the planet who could ever be right for him. I have been slowly educating myself about the strange attraction INTJs have to us ENFPs, and it reminds me a lot of the irresistible attraction that the vampires in the television show "True Blood" have for Sookie Stackhouse and the other faeries. I have decided that you INTJs really are a crazy, unbalanced lot, but in an oddly adorable, "intense awkward genius" sort of way.
I am still struggling to determine what to do with this INTJ who has plopped himself down with full force in the middle of my life, so that is why I appreciate your article so much. Of course, if you ask him, he already knows what I will decide... See? Crazy.
Thanks for your comment. :)
Let me say that INTJs are not always right about their predictions of the future. However, with the people that we know really well, our predictions can be incredibly spot-on. The longer we know people, the more accurate our internal models of them are.
This INTJ you speak of sees things in you that you may not see. Use this opportunity to learn some incredible things about yourself.
While INTJ confidence can be hubris, it often is not. We get used to being right about what our intuition tells us. This gives us confidence that can come across as arrogance. Not that we can't be arrogant too.
There have been (at least) three ENFPs in my life who have seriously affected me. The attraction that I felt for them was not entirely rational. There is a kinship that INTJs often feel in relationship with ENFPs. That shared intuition in a package that balances out some of the rough INTJ corners is a thrilling combination.
The phrase that you gave, 'intense awkward genius', describes a great many INTJs. That intensity scares some people. And we can be very awkward. In relationship, we are depending on weaker parts of our personality. We are often not very aware of ourselves. I believe this is a result of a poorly developed Si. (Si isn't even in our description, which would be NiTeFiSe.) There have been many times where I have forgotten to eat, because I was involved in something.
Anyway, I would say that you should give your INTJ a chance, but also that you need to make you own decision as to the relationship. I hope that this guide has at least given you a better understanding of him.
Thank you so much for this post, Robert! I've read a lot about personality typing and so am well-versed in the topic, but I found new insight from your writing- I suspect this is because you wrote it in a very accessible, personal way that was based on your own experience. (Can you already tell I'm an SF? LOL :)) I'm an ESFP/J (still having a hard time nailing that last letter down) and have been dating an INTJ for about a month. We get along really well, but I’m still learning and trying to understand him the best I can.ReplyDelete
My biggest concern might be that I’m an open book- very expressive and easy to know…So I’m hoping I don’t become uninteresting when I cease to be a puzzle to figure out. That, and, as an ESFP/J, I really love expressing emotions and having them expressed to me, so since he is less into that, I sometimes have to give myself a pep talk that it’s not me, and I must take care not to be too needy :) I suspect, however, that the fact that I have gotten lots of positive emotional expression from him in this short time, is a good sign that he really does like me quite a bit :)
P.S. I recently told him how much I love when he does things with his eyebrows, so I can vouch for #5 on your “lighter side” list! :)
An Extra Special Feeling Person/Joiner
I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I did not see that you had left a comment until just a few minutes ago.
I firmly believe that any two personality types can have a good relationship. That of course doesn't mean that some combinations aren't more challenging than others. One of the hardest aspects of your relationship will be emotional sharing. His difficulty will be in figuring out how to express his emotions to you, and your difficulty will be in figuring out how to read him.
You having to give yourself a pep talk is somewhat concerning, but perhaps it is just the stage you are in. Don't worry about the whole puzzle thing. That is only a beginning point and not a basis for long-term relationship.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. Please let me know if this sparks some more specific questions.
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(not sure if this is a double post, hit submit and it never showed up)ReplyDelete
Thank you for writing this article! You have successfully articulated my frustration with these attributes you've defined as an INTJ myself. I found this article googling for a way to explain myself for all the typical arguments my wife has been expressing(don't want to spend time, not touchy/feely, ..etc), and you nailed it. Literally verbatim.
Even the the questions, "on the lighter side." I'm still laughing at #2 because that one happened and it kills me...she was really hot :(
Now I just have to copy and paste this link instead of sit here and try to put thought to words!
You are most welcome.Delete
I enjoyed your article. I found it insightful, intimate and relevant. Understanding our weaknesses is always helpful!
Thanks! Yes, understanding our weaknesses is helpful. Understanding myself as an INTJ has been helpful to me. But I am not bound by the descriptions either. i.e. These things describe me, but they don't define me.
Thanks for the post! I bumped into your blog today (Year check: 2018 :D). I am an ESFP and currently dating an INTJ. I am 5 years older than him (I'm early 30s, he's mid 20s) We knew each others MBTI right from the start. Intial part was wonderful, he was nice like any other guys in the "early dating phase", but now his INTJness started to creep in. He went quiet more times these days and didn't reply me for days until a new topic which requires his response (such as setting a date for our meet up/ meet up with friends, travel updates or things to work on). I felt unappreciated and unloved. But whenever I shared songs and told him that it was for him and that I miss him, he would change his display pic to reflect the song I shared. But he didn't express much thereafter. It's confusing!ReplyDelete
You've mentioned, a few times, in your blog to just ask the INTJ and I did. I've asked if he's busy, if something's bugging him, or he needed time alone, but he didn't reply to any. I told him to reply me whenever he's ready. But he never did! I would be the one to initiate a new topic and it's like whatever happened is now forgotten. What is this?
I feel that we are incompatible and I wanted to give up on him but I ended up feeling - to give up for what? for the lack of attention/love? Should I?
It sounds like he is closed off right now. This may have nothing to do with you.
I know it can be hard to move on, but it may be time.
Thanks for the response! I guess I should too =((..ReplyDelete
Okay, as a fellow INTJ, it's analogy time. You know how sometimes 20 years after you watch a movie they come up with a behind-the-scenes documentary? You just wrote a behind-the-scenes documentary to my soul.ReplyDelete
I'm glad you found this helpful.
Thank you for this very insightful post! I'm an INFJ married to an INTJ, and as you INTJs tend to play your cards so close to the chest, I really appreciate the extra insight.ReplyDelete
I had to laugh out loud at #5 – first of all, he can do that "raise one eyebrow while the rest of the face stays immobile" thing which is super hot when it's directed at someone else's inane comment, and infuriating when it's focused on me. And he's actually gotten into trouble after a work meeting for giving a customer "the eyebrow" when they were being extremely stupid in a presentation. He didn't say a word, but with THAT eyebrow move, he doesn't have to!
Willow, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Blessings!Delete
That is a very informative blog. Loved it. Relationships and INTJ. Can you say something more about it. I am an ENFP and I have an INTJ partner. He feels disconnected sometimes from me while I don't. Is it quite natural? How do I handle it? Will he feel connected again once he has had his alone time?
That depends on why he isn't feeling connected. If it is from overstimulation or needing time to process, then having alone time could definitely fix it.Delete