What Qualities Best Match The INTJ In Marriage?

I have seen a great deal of discussion of what personalities best match the INTJ in a relationship. And of course, the most commonly discussed match seems to be that of the INTJ-ENFP. Some say, “No, ENTP is better.” Debate abounds. The truth is, there is no monolithic answer. Each INTJ is different, with different experiences and desires.

Of course, in all of this, many believe that their partner or spouse needs to complete them. However, this puts pressure on a relationship that is unreasonable. We need to be complete in God. A spouse can never fill those shoes. Rather, spouses should complement. They are complete individuals in their own rights, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Upon being joined together by God in marriage, they become stronger together than they could ever be apart.

With that in mind, here are some qualities or characteristics that I have been looking for, because these are things where we can complement each other.

1. Extraverted: I am most definitely and Introvert. While I can see a marriage with another Introvert working, I don’t think it would be as strong as it could be. My vision is this: she will help to draw me out and I will help to rein her in. (I’m not looking for a mouse, but a lioness, someone whom I cannot dominate. If she is afraid that she would dominate me, well, she doesn’t really know me.) Since INTJs need a great deal of time alone, or nearly alone, she needs to be confident enough to go do extraverted things on her own. There will be times that I cannot go with her, but she will really need to go. Of course, I will love her and will go as often as I am able, for as long as I am able. And in the process, perhaps I will become a bit less Introverted. So, yes, I am really looking for an E to balance my I. So, here we have type Exxx.

2. Intuitive: I am looking for someone who is also quite Intuitive. There is a great deal of discussion about this. Shared Intuition seems to greatly improve communication. Although, I have heard that it is quite possible to think that you are communicating clearly, but completely missing each other, even with shared Intuition. This really just means that one must check that one is communicating clearly, even if one feels that it is the case. As an INTJ, I am Ni. But I can see Ne or Ni as a good match for this. Ne may bring more balance, though. Since I am Ni dominant, it may be nice to find an Ne dominant. (To find an Ni dominant, I would have to go with another Introvert.) However, a woman with Ni as her auxiliary could work well, I suppose. So, right now, we have type ENxx.

3. Feeling: INTJs can be quite weak in the area of Feeling. We can often be less aware of how our decisions will affect others. This is not to say that we are always oblivious, especially as we get older and our own Fi begins to develop. A good balance for me, at least, would be a woman who uses F as her dominant or auxiliary. I could see Fi or Fe being a good balance, in this respect. This would give us type ENFx.

4. Perceiving: INTJs can be quite rigid in their planning. A good balance would actually be to add spontaneity to the mix. This would mean balancing J with P. In the process, my J would help to stabilize her, while her P would help to make me less rigid. While this would be a bit challenging for both, it would make each stronger as a result. This would give us type ENFP.

Now, this does not mean that good matches couldn’t be made apart from this. That really depends more on the individuals and their maturity and willingness to work through difficult spots. And even if ENFP is the ideal match for INTJ (and vice versa) this doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t be problem spots in such a relationship.

What I see as most valuable is actually the ENxx.  That actually leaves four types that match some of my most important criteria: ENTJ, ENTP, ENFJ, and ENFP. Each of these types would add strengths to balance my weaknesses, and vice versa. However, the ENFP seems to go further.

The problem, though, is that I have never yet found and ENFP who thought that I would be a good spouse for her. It’s not something that an INTJ could necessarily prove, either. So, it is possible that I will never find the ENFP who will complement me as an INTJ. And when one adds in other considerations, such as maturity, attraction, spirituality, intelligence, and the like, it becomes even more complicated.

I have personally only met three ENFPs in my life that met (or mostly met) this deeper set of considerations. I have yet to find one who sees me as a good match.